In the last blog I mentioned I was reminded of many positive things about my life in LA. As I was sharing them with a friend I realized for each one of them, there was a caveat that came with it. It may be easy to say something is a positive but actually many things end up being double edged swords. When we get something we often give something else. Life is a trade off. In this blog I want to go over 3 of the things in more detail. Let’s go!
1. Space, space, space
In LA, there’s just more space everywhere. In the hotel room, in the restaurants, in the restroom, on the streets, on the freeway, in the stores... It’s kind of inevitable that in a city like Tokyo space is limited, but I really really appreciated the space on this trip to the US. When I have a lot on my mind, sometimes just being somewhere more spacious can help me stay positive and keep me from becoming narrow-minded. The bigger space somehow gives me more space in my brain and heart and gets me feeling like everything will be fine. So maybe, just maybe, in some ways bigger spaces make the mind more open and the heart more free.
The flip side of having space is that sometimes the space isn’t used in an optimized way. There are so many redundant spaces and objects everywhere I went. And then there’s also more to clean and maintain. Bigger places can get dirty and become disorganized easily. Generally I don’t think more objects just to fill the space is necessarily good. And seeing disorganized or unoptimized spaces reminded me that when I was in LA, I had left things in corners of my apartment for years just because I had the space for them. Looking back I wish I was wiser about how I used my space and had put in more effort to make each corner a functional and purposeful one in my home. I’m trying to do that with my Tokyo home now.
2. Friendly Small Talk
I remember back in the U.S. often feeling pressured that I always needed to be ready for small talk in order to not leave things awkward, because you never know when and where someone might talk to you. Of course, there were times I was up for a chat and could naturally do it, but when I was down or in my head, I sometimes couldn’t do it well since my brain was more occupied.
In Tokyo, almost nobody talks to strangers so I rarely have to small talk. Most of the time, even if it happens, it doesn’t go past one or two exchanges. In a way, by ending or extending the exchange, you get to choose how much you want to socialize. Or if you really want to be proactive you can strike up a chat yourself, although that’s not easy for me to do personality wise, and I think Japan adds another layer of hesitation due to language.
I wasn’t expecting this, but when I went back to the U.S. and people were talking to each other naturally, it gave me comfort. I don’t know that I necessarily miss having to small talk everywhere, but I definitely miss how conversations can naturally happen and not all conversations have to be staged or following some template based on the situation, like they sort of are in Tokyo. When exchanges always start a certain way and end similarly, I start to not be able to see what people genuinely feel or want.
In the U.S., when conversations happen, if they go longer, I can feel that generally it’s because the other person wants to be there and is genuinely interested. In Tokyo, that doesn’t happen very often. I guess if you have a community of people and are always getting somewhere to see someone you already know, or if you’re fine being on your own all the time, you’d be fine. But I’m an awkwardly positioned social creature—an ambivert, who wants to socialize sometimes and be left alone other times. Can’t have it all!
For me, not having this small talk culture isn’t a deal breaker, but I want to learn to navigate the social scene smoothly enough in order to get what I need from my environment. In my current state, I think I have to get more comfortable speaking in Japanese to reduce the hurdle of spontaneous conversation, and also build out my community more. I have a little bit of community right now but I need to keep working on expanding it.
3. Sense of Freedom
This one might be the biggest one for me. There is something in the air.. or the atmosphere that makes me feel like anything is possible. I get to be who I want and decide to be. The feeling of almost limitless possibility is something I have not felt elsewhere.
There is not much expectation from society about what you have to be or can be. You make your own story and determine your own success. Of course, just like anywhere else, it matters where you came from, your upbringing, and so on. But that is not all. There’s still a lot you can change and rewrite. As you grow older and become more independent, your story is more determined by your effort, your vision, and the path you put yourself on, rather than just where you came from. The value of choice, work ethic, and dreams is more emphasized. In a way, this freedom also means you (and only you) must take responsibility for your life and decisions.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that I don’t feel free in Tokyo, but I definitely don’t feel it to nearly the same extent. Furthermore, I have language barriers, so the limitations around what I can do also add to the discounted sense of freedom. It’s hard to put into words, but the moment I landed in LA, I felt free. The feeling brought me joy, excitement, and relief. Aside from being able to create my own narrative in life, there’s also simply a feeling of liberation from knowing that no one would care to look my way no matter what I did. I could dress, talk, and behave however I wanted, without caring about the eyes and thoughts of others. I’m the type to consider a lot about other people (for better or for worse), so this is a big relief to me personally.
The downside of all of this is that everyone can do whatever they want and others can’t do much about it. The feeling of possibility is there for not only positive things such as recognition, success and dreams, but also negative things such as crimes, violations, and inconveniences. The negative part was one of my biggest reasons to leave, but ironically the freedom was also what made it difficult to leave. It really is a double edged sword and a tough trade off to make. Someone who cares about freedom the same way I do could easily make the decision to stay.
What to do now
This trip really made quite some impact on me. All of these things I mentioned were things I knew I was leaving behind. Since making the decision and finally leaving, I hadn’t had to think about them much the past few years I was gone. Now, after being away and not having them on my mind for quite some time, I was reminded of them by directly re-experiencing their merits.
It didn’t make me regret my decision, but it shed light on what I could have more in my current life. Therefore, these realizations don’t mean that I want to go back now (although never say never…the world can change and people can change.) It was just a timely reminder of the good components from my old life and made clear to me what I could recreate more in my current life in Tokyo. Now I just have to make them happen!!
